Heartfelt Post

I've only shared these feelings with my husband. I never ever thought that I would go through something as hard as dealing with Cancer. Especially with me. I've had only a couple of expirences in family and a dear friend and it was horrible. Truthfully, I was destroyed inside. I felt that my last days were among me. Nothing really helped me. I heard encouraging words and I saw faithful faces, but it was so hard for me to believe. I only asked why? I couldn't stop crying and yelling to our Lord WHY!?!?!? I couldn't stop myself and my husband would just let me cry like a baby and let all my anguish and anger and sadness and everything I felt just spill out. He would hug me and he would try to make me feel protected, and it helped a little. Only but then the thoughts of death came back. That horrible depression that wouldn't leave me. There were some good days. But mostly bad. Everyone, I mean EVERYONE, thought I was handling everything so well. But if they had only known what I had inside. There is one night that I'll never forget, my husband was asleep already, and I was trying to get tired so I decided to scrap a little and see if it worked. I was fine... for a small while. Normally, when I scrap, I have shoutcast.com on to Country Music (which I love) and one of my favorite artists came on. Brad Paisley. And I thought it was a message of God. Seriously, I was starting to feel so horrible again.. So I got on my knees, crying, looking at a cross that I have in my scraproom, and asked God one more time... "Why am I going through this God? Why me? I don't want to die! I love my life. I love you. I love my Husband and family and friends. Why me?" And this song was in the background which by then I had ignored. But I'll never forget how it made me feel. I'll never forget that night. Thinking about it now.. and typing this out has brought me to tears. I'm so thankful for this chance in living. And I won't let our Lord down.

It's interesting to remember what I told my husband one night that he was on the computer and I was "trying" to scrap. I said "Hey babe, if I die, at least you'll have all these albums I made of our relationship and our love and our wonderful moments together." He looked at me mad and said quietly,"Don't say that." I quietly sobbed. But was happy to know that something was going to be left to remember me. And I'm so thankful to scrap and craft, because I know that when I die, there will be something to remember me with. There was one specific week that was my hardest. The week where I waited for the Biopsy results of my Uterus. That week felt like a year! It felt like it would never end. My husband couldn't concentrate at work, to the point that he would call almost every hour to see if the dr. had called. That biopsy was important because it would determine if the Cancer had spread. I don't even want to remember that.

But there is always hope. And I prayed and prayed, and all your prayers came through and God listened and God helped me, because of all of you. Katie  (you know who you are), God is amazing, and I continue to pray for you. I continue to pray for all of the cancer patients out there. The Power of Prayer is amazing. I know how all of you felt. Like there is no hope sometimes. But fight! Because there will always be hope. Always. Hope to be alive and continue life. And when the time does come (when we are old and gray and over 98), there will be the hope of seeing our loved ones in heaven and seeing our Lord. Our loving God that we are forever in debt to.

I'm sorry that you had to read this.. for most it might not be interesting. But being able to let my feelings out like this brings a small feeling of closure to this whole Cancer thing. God forbid it ever comes back. God has plans, and I shouldn't of questioned him.

Thank you for being such amazing friends. It's funny that some of you were more concern about me (even though you haven't even met me in real life), than some of my "real" friends. In cases like these, you truly do find out out who your TRUE friends are. :o) I love you all! Thank you!

Now, here's the Brad Paisley song I was talking about: Get a box of Kleenex :o)

Happy Scrapping!