Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Heartfelt Post

I've only shared these feelings with my husband. I never ever thought that I would go through something as hard as dealing with Cancer. Especially with me. I've had only a couple of expirences in family and a dear friend and it was horrible. Truthfully, I was destroyed inside. I felt that my last days were among me. Nothing really helped me. I heard encouraging words and I saw faithful faces, but it was so hard for me to believe. I only asked why? I couldn't stop crying and yelling to our Lord WHY!?!?!? I couldn't stop myself and my husband would just let me cry like a baby and let all my anguish and anger and sadness and everything I felt just spill out. He would hug me and he would try to make me feel protected, and it helped a little. Only but then the thoughts of death came back. That horrible depression that wouldn't leave me. There were some good days. But mostly bad. Everyone, I mean EVERYONE, thought I was handling everything so well. But if they had only known what I had inside. There is one night that I'll never forget, my husband was asleep already, and I was trying to get tired so I decided to scrap a little and see if it worked. I was fine... for a small while. Normally, when I scrap, I have shoutcast.com on to Country Music (which I love) and one of my favorite artists came on. Brad Paisley. And I thought it was a message of God. Seriously, I was starting to feel so horrible again.. So I got on my knees, crying, looking at a cross that I have in my scraproom, and asked God one more time... "Why am I going through this God? Why me? I don't want to die! I love my life. I love you. I love my Husband and family and friends. Why me?" And this song was in the background which by then I had ignored. But I'll never forget how it made me feel. I'll never forget that night. Thinking about it now.. and typing this out has brought me to tears. I'm so thankful for this chance in living. And I won't let our Lord down.

It's interesting to remember what I told my husband one night that he was on the computer and I was "trying" to scrap. I said "Hey babe, if I die, at least you'll have all these albums I made of our relationship and our love and our wonderful moments together." He looked at me mad and said quietly,"Don't say that." I quietly sobbed. But was happy to know that something was going to be left to remember me. And I'm so thankful to scrap and craft, because I know that when I die, there will be something to remember me with. There was one specific week that was my hardest. The week where I waited for the Biopsy results of my Uterus. That week felt like a year! It felt like it would never end. My husband couldn't concentrate at work, to the point that he would call almost every hour to see if the dr. had called. That biopsy was important because it would determine if the Cancer had spread. I don't even want to remember that.

But there is always hope. And I prayed and prayed, and all your prayers came through and God listened and God helped me, because of all of you. Katie  (you know who you are), God is amazing, and I continue to pray for you. I continue to pray for all of the cancer patients out there. The Power of Prayer is amazing. I know how all of you felt. Like there is no hope sometimes. But fight! Because there will always be hope. Always. Hope to be alive and continue life. And when the time does come (when we are old and gray and over 98), there will be the hope of seeing our loved ones in heaven and seeing our Lord. Our loving God that we are forever in debt to.

I'm sorry that you had to read this.. for most it might not be interesting. But being able to let my feelings out like this brings a small feeling of closure to this whole Cancer thing. God forbid it ever comes back. God has plans, and I shouldn't of questioned him.

Thank you for being such amazing friends. It's funny that some of you were more concern about me (even though you haven't even met me in real life), than some of my "real" friends. In cases like these, you truly do find out out who your TRUE friends are. :o) I love you all! Thank you!

Now, here's the Brad Paisley song I was talking about: Get a box of Kleenex :o)


Happy Scrapping!

18 comments:

Michelle said...

FREAKING TEARRRRRRRR! Daniel has always said that no one will know what he was feeling inside while going through all the surgeries and treatments. He too put on a good face and only I knew what was really happening behind closed doors, but only to an extent. The question of why is still asked around here and I think it will be for the rest of our lives. I am just thankful he is a survivor and so happy that you are as well and that your's did not spread.....major major hugs going your's and Rogers way for everything you have gone through leading up to the diagnosis and everything that has happened since the diagnosis....you are a strong girl!

Jan said...

I have to tell you...I know we've never met but there are just certain bloggers you feel connected to~you are one of those for me. I was sharing your story with my husband and son (Lacey follows your blog already) and when I told them you were a cancer survivor, they were so happy! Just today I was thinking about how I feel more support from my blogging friends than I do some people that live right in the same town. I couldn't listen to the song yet (just reading your post made me cry) so I'll come back later for that ;)

Heather Landry said...

I am so glad that you posted this Nati. I think it's wonderful that you shared your story. I also think that you are a miracle. My theory for people who survive hardships and illnesses is that God has a purpose for them! You must have something BIG you are meant to do girlie. (((HUGS!)))

Lisa said...

First of all, Nati, you are so amazing. It is so brave of you to post this and share your deepest feelings with us, and I'm so glad you did. I hope you know that you have friends here that support and care for you. Cancer is a scary word, and it touches everyone's lives in some way. My dad had a tumor removed from his kidney two years ago. He just went to his doctor last Monday and got the all clear that he was cancer-free (Thank You God). We are so fortunate and thankful to God that it was caught early and he didn't have to have any other treatments. However, his brother has bone cancer that he has fought into remission, and my cousin was just diagnosed with breast cancer in December. She already had a double-mastectomy and we are waiting on results of her latest tests.

I am so, so happy that you are doing well and I pray so hard that it never comes back for you. I can't even begin to listen to the song you mentioned because sometimes I have a hair-trigger with my emotions. Once the water works start, they won't stop!

KellyCali said...

Yep, those country music videos will get you everytime! I made the mistake of watching this video by myself one night & by the time they got to Dolly, I was done. Reminds me of my grandparents who I loved so very much. XO

Nati, I'm so glad that you are not only here with us, but an answered prayer & a story of faith, hope & understanding to others. There are just some things that we aren't meant to understand in this life, but will in the next. For now, as another beautiful song goes, We Can Only Imagine...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fxt5TsmEZaY

Julie Tucker-Wolek said...

Girllllllllllll... as soon as I read the Brad Paisley song... I knew... I JUST KNEW it was that song... seriously ... I knew it... I am also a HUGE Brad fan.. and that is my all time fave (when I had music on my blog...that was one of the songs I had on there...)... that song and the VIDEO make me reflect and cry EVERY EVERY EVERY time... girl... I knew we had a connection... I am sooooooo happy you shared this... we never ever ever know what someone else is living until they share.... and I am happy you did.... as Mom always told us... "Unless you walk in another persons shoes...."... love ya girl... and I will continue to pray for you... and if you have a chance... I have a special prayer request going up on my blog tomorrow AM...and I would appreciate some back for my Aunt's daughter when you read it ... {{{hugs}}}:):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

Julie Tucker-Wolek said...

PS... my fave part of the video is Scott Hamilton (huge fan) and my son's fave part is Dale Sr :):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

TesaB said...

I think you are amazing! Thanks for sharing! Big hug to you girl! And wow, never heard that Brad Paisley before, but I'm looking him up right now. What an amazing song!

Christine said...

Thanks for sharing this candid post! I hope it stays away forever!

Scrapenabler said...

You are an amazing woman and I am so thankful that all has worked out so well for you! I am glad that you were able to share this to help make yourself feel better.

Elizabeth said...

Nati,

Congratulations on being a survior! I was told 10 years ago to make peace with God because I would not survive my heart attack at the age of 40. I told the ICU nurse that God wasn't finished with me yet, I had kids to raise.

My youngest is graduating from high school this month:) It still has been a long road. I have Behcets, there is no cure. But every day is a gift from God. And because of becoming ill I have been able to learn to enjoy the small things in life. And I started scrapbooking because I wanted my children to know my story. As a result it has been very therapeutic. It also has opened doors to an ENTIRE WORLD of friends I would never have met.

Enjoy the second chance God has given you to the max. Keep sharing your story, someone out there needs to know God cares and how your faith has carried you through:)

May God Bless you and your family!

http://visionsofpaper.blogspot.com/

Scrappin' Sista said...

Praise God for your healing! I can't even begin to know what you are going through but I do know who does. May you continue to keep your eyes on the goal and press forward. Thank you for sharing your testimony. God's not through with you yet my dear. Be strong and yet stand still and know that He IS God. No good thing will He withhold from you.

Nancy aka Homesclscrapper said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story. God is great and he has great plans for you! Continuing hugs and prayer. Your friend....

Jan said...

Nati,
I really can't imagine the inner turmoil you've been through...you've been so brave and through the Grace of God,you're a cancer survivor.
You keep letting your little light shine and Praise the Lord!

Brenda said...

Oh Nati, I think it's wonderful that you shared this, and I am so glad you shared your feelings with us in blog land. God certainly is a big God, isn't he? I am so glad that he holds his hand on all that we face. God bless you again and again, Nati!

Cyndy said...

I know exactly how you feel. I may not have had cancer, but there was a HUGE part of me going through the idea of me dying. And then the depression has been unbelievable. I know exactly what you mean when you say everything thinks you are dealing with it so well, but then late at night when we are in bed, I sob and sob to my poor husband, several times. He has also been my strength through my own ordeal. I am still trying to figure out what I am supposed to be learning from this experience, and have yet to figure it out, but I'm moving forward, just as you are. Stay strong and continue to fight! I know that you have been blessed as my friend so that I didn't feel so alone in this experience. I may not have ever met you, but I care deeply about you and I know that you will rebound from this a very strong woman. Thanks for sharing, Nati!

Angi @ CokiePop said...

There is always HOPE Nati. Don't ever lose sight of that. Isn't it great that a song can touch you like that? God loves ya girl! Don't ever forget it. :)

Linda said...

Oh thank you for sharing your story. It always helps so many people when we can be honest and share ourselves with others. I have had some scares in my 58 years but non that came to saying I really had the big C. The fear was so strong I wanted to just go to sleep and meet God and not have to deal with it. He always has other plans that what we think. We just don't know do we? We have to trust.
Thank so much for sharing and all your kind words on my blog. You are a wonderful lady and I am so glad I am getting to know you.
Hugs,
Linda